Yes, it is official! I am 23 weeks pregnant with a BABY BOY! I was secretly hoping for a little sister for Berlyn, but I had a few tears of joy when I had my ultra sound and saw this little boy for the first time. My Mom told me long ago about an experience she had with Devanee. When she was pregnant with Devanee, she also wanted a little brother for Dayne. However, the distinct feeling came over her that we (parents) are here for these little spirits to bring them back to Heavenly Father. It shouldn't matter what we want, but what Heavenly Father is willing to send us. This experience has always stuck with me, and has helped me keep the right perspective. We are excited to welcome a new little member to our family sometime in September.
My heart has been so full, these last couple of days and I have reflected upon so many personal thoughts and feelings. On Saturday the 21st, I received a text message from my cousin Ashleigh that our cousin Blake (16yr.) had passed away. After speaking with her for awhile, I was in complete shock and could not sleep well the next few days. I started to pray for my Uncle Cameron, his wife Carine, and their two remaining children Connor (9yr) & Kaylee (10yr). I hadn't cried any tears, until I spoke with my Mom the next day. She was mourning the loss of Blake as well as my Grandma Williams (Todd's Mom). My mom had just found out that my Grandma was diagnosed with cancer, and the doctors were not giving her much time to live. This news was also a shock, but I could not wrap my head around the fact that Blake was gone. He was such a handsome young man with so much going for him. I really wanted to attend the funeral in Phoenix, but didn't feel I could pack everything and bring my 3 kids without Dan. We were planning on leaving for California on Tuesday the 31st. On Thursday morning, I woke up with such sadness for Blake's family and I was missing my Dad. I called my Mom and when she answered, I could tell she had been crying. Grandma Williams had just passed away around 6:00am that morning. I then allowed myself to really cry and everything I had been suppressing was now coming out. After hanging up with my mom, I decided that I needed to be at the funeral (which was on Saturday). I called Ashleigh to arrange to stay with her, and the packing began. The kids and I arrived at Ashleigh's about 9:30pm that evening.
The funeral was held at their church building on Saturday morning. The viewing and family prayer was indescribable. I felt the spirit so strong and could not deny the sadness and comfort I felt at the same time. I will never forget the image of Cameron and Carine saying "goodbye" to their first born son. Death is difficult on all accounts, but it seems in the natural order of things that parents should pass on before their children. When the order is reversed, it seems that the heart will never mend. The actual program was amazing and I could not believe the words that were spoken. My Aunt Shannon gave the Life Sketch, and was done so beautifully. Cameron gave a Father's Tribute, and spoke directly from his heart. Then a young girl with the most powerful voice sang, "I Know That My Redeemer Lives". My Uncle Dallin was the last speaker and said the most profound things. He spoke to the adults, his brother, and the youth. The things that stuck with me the most was when he said to "stop and smell the roses", to "watch the sun rise and sun set", and "to be a little more kind to one another."
I will never forget the outpouring of love from the ward and an amazing Bishop. Everything was taken care of in one week from the program, luncheon, housing arrangements for extended family, video of Blake's life and on and on. I etched in my mind the 13 member's of the Blake's Priest Quorum who sat together with heads held high and listening to every word spoken. I will never forget the hugs I received from Cameron and Carine and knowing they will be lifted up if they will stay close to the Heavenly Father. I will never forget the conversations with my own Aunts and Uncles and Cousins and what amazing individuals they have all become. I will never forget the indescribable love I feel for my own children and wanting to hold on to them forever. Lastly, I will never forget the feeling of love for my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
I want to quote the last part of the poem that was printed on the program:
"...The heart, in it's hardest trials,
Gains the purest joy of all,
And from the lips that have tasted sadness,
The sweetest songs may fall,
For the peace comes after suffering,
And the love is the reward of pain,
So after earth comes heaven,
And out of our loss, our gain."
