I use to be a regular journal writer, but with the business of life, I do not take the time to write as often as I should. I am writing this post as a journal entry, so I apologize for the length and if it seems "heavy" with emotion.
As many of you know, we have been in Roswell since August. Originally, we were going back to Deming after Thanksgiving, but about 1 month ago Dan told me the Academy had extended him until March 15th. I miss our ward in Deming and more importantly (our closest friends), but our experience here has been a
huge blessing in so many
small ways. I have grown so much since we moved to Deming (4 years ago), and I feel this temporary move has done the same thing for me (on a smaller scale).
When we came to Roswell, Dan and I debated about whether or not to register Braxton for school. After much pondering, prayer, and talking with Braxton, the three of us (together) decided it would be best to try school at home. I was the most reluctant, only because I have never done this before. I am not against home school by any means, but had never really thought about it for my own children. With the example of a good friend in Deming, who home school's her two oldest children (with 2 younger children at home as well), and some materials from his old school that I was able to obtain; I thought we would be off to a great start. At first, I tried school in the morning, but Blaze & Berlyn were too much of a distraction. Once again, Dan & I pondered and prayed, and decided to put Blaze in preschool. It was not easy for me, because I was not emotionally ready for Blaze to go to preschool. He will start Kindergarten next year, and I have to admit that I was a little upset with the idea of Braxton home and Blaze at school. However, I knew once I signed Blaze up (and 1 day later learning his tuition would be
FREE), I knew we had made the right decision.
Our system of taking Blaze at 12:00 and Berlyn down for a nap, left me a solid 2hr & 45min. with just Braxton & I. I loved it in the beginning, and knew that even with an occasional "unproductive" day, I would keep plugging along. However, for the last month, Braxton and I seem to be butting heads about everything. I have wanted to throw in the towel and call it quits!However, today was the worst. I am an emotional person on a regular basis, but I really haven't had feelings of inadequacy for a long time. After a heated argument between us, we both ended in tears and frustration. I am sure this is common for most women, but when I do one thing wrong, I feel that I have done everything wrong. Braxton was in the dinning room and I was in the laundry room. I didn't want to, but as my tears fell on the floor, I knew I needed to pray. As I did aloud (first in pleading)...I was immediately calm. My tears were still coming heavily, but the thoughts of (failure as a mom) left me. I was still emotional as I left the room to go to the bathroom. A friend was only minutes away from coming, and I didn't want her to me in such a mess. I applied a little make-up and tried to hold back the tears. As I opened the door, Braxton was standing with his head hung and said so softly "I'm sorry, Mom". He walked away and as both of us went back into the dinning room, I grabbed him gently and I held him for a long time. We both started to cry again and I said, "what should I do"? He shrugged and said, "be a little nicer."
We really did not come to any conclusion about what to do, but I was so touched by his maturity at 7 yr. old. I have always felt his sweet spirit (even for the first time in my womb at 8 months pregnant). I knew there was something extra special about him when he was born, and each year he gets older, I am more amazed. I don't know if home school will be the answer for us next semester? However, my eyes have been opened and I have realized that feeling
love from a mother means more that text books.
